Stranger Things Have Happened

On the advice of several friends, I binge-watched the Netflix series Stranger Things last week. My friends seem to be of the opinion that I'm a harsh and unforgiving film reviewer. Huh, wonder where they got that impression from? Anyway, they begged me to keep in mind that it was not only set in the 80s, but was trying to recreate the 80s, determined to look as though it had been filmed in the 80s for 2016. Because I'm not 46 fucking years old and didn't spend ages 10 to 19 - my fragile, formative years - wallowing in the 80s, immersed in the culture because I was the culture. I was the goddamned epitome of Loser in the 80s. If Steven Spielberg directed it, I saw it. If Stephen King wrote it, I read it. Do NOT question my authori-TIE when it comes to the 80s, punk! 

Yeah, I got it. Okay? I got every single subtle reference, happy? I liked it, geez! So you know what? I ain't even gonna review it. I'm just going to shove all of my 80s knowledge right in yo face and rub it in. I'm going to post pics and excerpts and moments from the 80s which found their way into Stranger Things, without comment, because that's how goddamned old cool I am. So read it and learn something, you whippersnapper spoiled kids these days with your CGI and your Hunger Games and your saving the rainforests. Back in my day, we had to walk barefoot through 10 feet of snow, uphill, both ways, to the library to read the books, or to the theater to see the movies, because we couldn't just google the stuff and download the things. And we were thankful! Yeah!

Firestarter

Book: 1980

Film: 1984

Synopsis: A little girl is born to a couple who met during an MKUltra experiment and later married. Now the government wants to use her as a weapon.

“Charlie’s no ordinary second-grader,” Andy said. “Her mother and I were injected with a drug which was coded Lot Six. To this day I don’t know exactly what it was. Some sort of synthetic glandular secretion would be my best guess. It changed the chromosomes of myself and of the lady I later married. We passed those chromosomes on to Charlie, and they mixed in some entirely new way. If she could pass them on to her children, I guess she’d be called a mutant. If for some reason she can’t, or if the change has caused her to be sterile, I guess she’d be called a sport or a mule. Either way, they want her. They want to study her, see if they can figure out what makes her able to do what she can do. And even more, I think they want her as an exhibit. They want to use her to reactivate the Lot Six program.”

“What is it she can do?” Irv asked. 

Andy said softly, “She can light fires.”             

“Well, so can I,” Irv said. He sat down again and was looking at Andy in a peculiar, cautious way. The way you look at people you suspect of madness.

“She can do it simply by thinking about it,” Andy said. “The technical name for it is pyrokinesis. It’s a psi talent, like telepathy, telekinesis, or precognidon—Charlie has a dash of some of those as well, by the way—but pyrokinesis is much rarer ... and much more dangerous. She’s very much afraid of it, and she’s right to be. She can’t always control it. She could burn up your house, your barn, or your front yard if she set her mind to it. Or she could light your pipe.” Andy smiled wanly. “Except that while she was lighting your pipe, she might also burn up your house, your barn, and your front yard.”

IT
Book: 1986
Minseries: 1990
Remake: 2017

"This was her only other chance. It didn't matter; she intended that it be the only one she would need. A clear coldness she never saw again in her life fell over her sight. In it everything stood out & forward; never again would she see the 3 dimensions of reality so clearly defined. She possessed every color, every angle, every distance. Fear departed. She felt the hunter's simple lust of certainty & oncoming consummation. 

Her pulse slowed. The hysterical trembling grip in which she had been holding the Bullseye loosened, then firmed & became natural.

The Werewolf's head was suddenly there, in the wishbone. She covered one of its green eyes with the cup & released. There was no shake in either of her hands; she fired as smoothly & naturally as she had fired at the cans in the dump on the day they had all taken turns to see who was the best."

Monster in the Wall - Stranger Things, 2016

The monster in the wall - A Nightmare on Elm Street, 1984

The Goonies
Film: 1985

"This is ridiculous. It's crazy. I feel like I'm babysitting, except I'm not getting paid."

Stef (Martha Plympton) ~ The Goonies




Barbara: "This is so stupid. I'm just gonna drop you off."

Nancy: "You can be, like, my guardian. All right? Make sure I don't get drunk and do anything stupid."

Barbara: "Ugh." 
Stranger Things, 2016
And once again, the unpopular and less pretty bespectacled girl is babysitting without pay.

E.T. The Extraterrestrial

Film: 1982

Young, preteen boy fakes being sick for his mom so he can stay home and play with the mysterious creature he found in the woods the night before. He shows the creature his toys, in particular his beloved Star Wars action figures. When mom returns home, panicked boy shoves mysterious creature into bedroom closet.

Young, preteen boy fakes being sick for his mom so he can stay home and play with the mysterious girl he found in the woods the night before. He shows the girl his toys, in particular his beloved Star Wars action figures. When mom returns home, panicked boy shoves mysterious girl into bedroom closet.

Later in the film, the boy and his closest friends flee from merciless government agents on their banana seat bikes, frantically wheeling their way through their hometown with their new alien friend in tow. Determined to retrieve the alien and study it, the government agents in hot pursuit, both on foot and in automobiles, somehow fail to catch up with the kids on their bikes.

Later in the show, the boy and his closest friends flee from merciless government agents on their banana seat bikes, frantically wheeling their way through their hometown with their new female friend in tow. Determined to retrieve the girl and study her, the government agents in hot pursuit, both on foot and in automobiles, somehow fail to catch up with the kids on their bikes.

Poltergeist

Film: 1982

In this early 80s horror film, vengeful spirits from a dark dimension rip open a doorway between our worlds for the sole purpose of kidnapping a young girl whose energy they wish to feed off of. The girl is rescued, but at film's climax, she and her brother are again threatened, this time by a doorway which open in the wall of their bedroom, resembling a giant, fleshy mouth with slimy tendrils snaking out of it, seeking purchase to expedite the delivery of the kids to the ghostly dimension.

In this miniseries, a savage monster who lives in a dark dark dimension rips open a doorway between our worlds for the sole purpose of kidnapping anyone who wanders astray. Lured by the smell of blood, the monster pushes through walls in an attempt to force a way into our world. Punching open doors in houses, trees and even thin air, the monster snatches a young boy and a teenage girl in its search for flesh to feast upon. The doorways it opens resemble a giant, fleshy mouth.

The Thing 
Film: 1982

An hour into this sci-fi/horror film, the alien Thing of the title finally reveals itself to our horrified cast when it is caught attempting to absorb the sled dogs. Happened upon in mid-transformation, The Thing turns on the humans in self defense and attempts to attack the nearest flamethrower-wielding man by hurling its head towards him. Its entire head is revealed to be a mouthlike formation which opens like a flower, revealing petals lined with teeth.

 In the climactic moments of Stranger Things, the monster has cornered our human cast in a small classroom. Determined to eat them, the monster approaches and thrusts its head forward, which opens like a flower, its petal lined with teeth.

Aliens
Film: 1986

In the pivotal final moments of this sci-fi/action/horror thriller/whatever, the missing child Newt is shown to still be alive, but trapped in an alien chamber, effectively glued to a wall like an insect about to be eaten by a spider.

In the final episode of Stranger Things, the missing child Will is shown to still be alive, but trapped in the monster's lair, effectively glued to a wall like an insect and kept alive by a weird system of organic looking life support thingamabobs. 

Stranger Things - 2016

The Goonies - 1985

And yeah, I'm sure there's about a thousand other references I either missed completely or just didn't have time to post about today. But hey, I got more than most people.
For I am an 80s Child,
no less than the D&D Dungeon Masters
and the Intergalactic Bounty Hunters.
I have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you.
No doubt the Dorkiverse is unfolding;
As it should.

"And take that down. It's inappropriate."